**** The Ship: UACS Escher The Captain: Loden Taylor The Crew: Urania - a muse and film buff Gordon Freeman - a physicist and survivor Kiyone Makibi - a detective and fighter The Mission: To MST bad fan fics These are their stories. **** On the blasted surface of the gray and rain-drenched world of Petrushka, Loden stood in full battle gear and studied the portable computer map in his hands. The computer was waterproof, as all things had to be on Petrushka, since the rain was nearly constant. With the exception of a one month period that came every seven years, the rain never stopped. Why anyone would choose to live in such a place (much less fight for it) was beyond him. With one final check, he switched the unit off and turned to his crew. "Well," he said, "this is the spot." Kiyone, Gordon, and Urania stood a few feet away, also in battle gear. "Wonderful," said Kiyone. "The spot for what? You still haven't told us why we're on this God-forsaken planet." "I didn't? Heh heh...I could've sworn that I did..." Loden nervously scratched the back of his head, jostling his helmet slightly. "Well, it's like this. We've been contracted to defend the capitol city of New Berlin from an invasion of...eh...a few hundred thousand Zerg." Freeman, incredibly, didn't even blink. "Zerg?" "Uh...yep." "As in, ravenous hive-minded aliens?" "Yeah, that's them." For a moment, the only sound was that of the rain splashing into the mud as the three stared at Loden. Kiyone, trembling with rage, took a deep breath and let it out, visibly restraining herself from killing Loden on the spot. "Ok...and, if you'd be so kind, please explain how four people are going to defend a city against a few HUNDRED THOUSAND ZERG!" Loden grinned. "Easy!" he exclaimed, obviously gearing up for a lengthy and ego-enhancing explanation. "We subcontract!" With that, he reached into a pocket and withdrew a small transmitter, which he activated. Within seconds, there was a flash of light as a soldier wearing black and white battle armor teleported to the planet's surface. "Everyone, this is Jebediah. He's the commander of the Eighth Amish Army." Jebediah nodded to the three. "Good day." Urania, confused, shook her head as if to clear it. "Wait...the Eighth AMISH Army?!?" Ignoring Urania, Loden turned to Jebediah. "This is the spot. You may begin." Jebediah nodded, and barked a few orders into his radio. Within a few moments the area was swarming with soldiers, who began setting up defenses with a speed that was almost inhuman. As Gordon, Kiyone, and Urania watched, they dug trenches, built bunkers, and set up artillery while Jebediah shouted orders: "Come on, move thine ass! Set up that AAA yonder! Put thy back into it!" Gordon turned to Loden. "Ok...I'll ask. Why the hell do the Amish have a technologically advanced army?" Loden grinned again. "It's a little-known clause in their belief system. They can't harm anyone or use machinery, except when fighting alien invaders. It works out pretty well, since no one expects an Amish guy to be packing a Type V Heavy Plasma Cannon." "So, let me get this straight," Kiyone said. "You took a job to defend New Berlin against the Zerg, then subcontracted the job to the Amish? That's..." "Good business," Loden finished. "We're making a ton of money off of this, and..." He was interrupted by an Amish courier, who handed him a package, saluted, and left just as suddenly as he had appeared. "What the hell is that?" Urania asked, looking at the package. Loden practically jumped with excitement. "HA! It's finally here! I've been waiting for months for it to arrive!" He began tearing open the package like a kid on Christmas. Kiyone shivered. "Um...Loden? Are we going to be here much longer? I'm getting pretty sick of this planet." "Don't worry, we'll leave just as soon as...AH! Got it!" With that, an odd, multifaceted polygon shot out of the box and floated over Loden's shoulder. Urania stared. "Ok...again, what the hell is it?" Loden smiled insanely. "Remember the movie TRON? It's a bit! You know, 1/0 yes/no?" When there was no answer, he sighed. "Ok, just watch." Turning to the bit, he asked "is it raining, Bit?" The bit paused for a moment, then turned into a yellow octahedron. "YES," it said in a odd mechanical voice, before returning to normal. Loden did a bizarre victory dance. "YEAH! YOU DA MAN, BIT!" "YES." The bit spun on it's axis, seemingly pleased with itself. "WOOOOOOOO! GIT ON UP!" "YES YES YES." The three crew members watched in amazement as Loden got funky with the bit. Turning away from the odd spectacle, Kiyone asked, "can I shoot him? Please" "GET DOWN! YEAH!" "YES YES YES." "WOOOOOOOO! BIT IN DA HOUSE!" Urania turned to Kiyone. "I'd say go ahead, but we need him to get back to the ship." Gordon cleared his throat. "Eh...Loden? Can we go now?" Loden, as if just then realizing that he was dancing in the mud with a floating polygon, stopped and straightened up with a sheepish look. "Good idea. We've got work to do back on the Escher." Kiyone rolled her eyes. "Work? You bring us to this hellhole planet, AND we've got an MST to do? Why didn't you just..." But before she could finish, Loden pressed the 'recall' button on his vest, and the four vanished from the surface of Petrushka, the rain filling in their footprints until they were no longer visible. ------------------------ Loden Taylor presents: An MST of "Incredible Night" Disclaimer: Tenchi Muyo!, and its characters, are the property of Pioneer and AIC. Gordon Freeman is the property of Valve software, and the Zerg are the property of Blizzard Entertainment. The Bit from Tron is the property of Walt Disney. Kronos the Wizard is from The Pawn and is the property of (the now defunct) Magnetic Scrolls. Finally, the lovely and beautiful Urania belongs to the world. I'm not making any money off of this, so please don't sue. As always, I'm open to C&C. My e-mail is loden_t@hotmail.com. And now, on with the MST! ------------------------ : So you're just going to leave it all to the Amish, huh? : Sure. They know what they're doing. I have complete faith in their abilities. : Uh-huh. Right. And that's why you hyperspaced out of orbit the instant we got back to the ship. : There's nothing wrong with watching from a safe distance. : Loden, we're clear on the other side of the quadrant now. I call that running. : Hey, are you complaining? Because we could go and observe from low orbit, if you want. Hell, we could even go into the atmosphere. Watch from a few hundred feet. : No, no, that's all right. Really. Let's just do the MST. Observation: Due to all the email about my last fan fic I have put lemon content in this one so don't email and gripe about it!! I got 94 email about it not having any porn!!! : Which really means that he got AN e-mail, from a friend of his, saying that he should make with the porn. : Right. I seriously doubt that he has legions of fans clamoring for sex scenes. : Oh, you damnable fans! Won't you ever stop hounding me! Very well, I will yield! I will give you porn! : In his delusional mind, maybe that's how he saw it. Legal Crap: I don't own Tenchi, Ryoko, Sasami or any other characters, Pioneer does now don't sue!!!!! ******************************************************************************* : Wow! It's so bad it's got me seeing stars! : Ooohhh...that was bad. I mean, REALLY bad. Never make that joke again. : YES. : GNAAH! What the hell?!? : What? : You brought that THING in here? : Hey, be nice. Bit has feelings too. Don't you bit? : YES. : There. See? : Whatever. "Incredible Night" Life by Krackhead420 : With a name like "Krackhead," it's got to be bad. : He even threw in the "420." It's a drug-reference-o-rama! Wow! Washu's Lab: Tenchi has carried Ryoko into Washu's lab and Washu is working frantically to heal Ryoko. As hours pass Washu finally stabalizes Ryoko's condition. ( I know Ryoko can heal herself but its important to the story) : Oh, Lord. This is going to be bad. I can feel it. : Since when can you throw away facts just because they're inconvenient to the story? : And why does he think that telling us that he's screwing with the continuity in mid-story will make it okay? : Hi folks! I'd just like to jump in here and tell you that I'm going to be throwing facts and logic out the window, since they don't mesh well with my story. Thanks! "Tenchi what caused her to do this?" Washu asked concerned. : It was being in a stupid fic! She just couldn't take it! "me......"Tenchi said ashamed. "What do you mean?!" "She did this because of me......SHE DID THIS BECAUSE OF ME!!!!!!!" Tenchi screams and slams his fist into the wall. : And then faints like a pansy from the pain. "she did this because of me...." : Did she do this because of you? : She did this because of me! : Because of you? : Because of me! : YES. Tears fall from Tenchi's eyes and he falls down to the floor with his head buried in his hands. "What makes you think she did this because of you?" : Well, after I caused her to do this, she looked at me and said, "Tenchi, I did this because of you." Then Ryo-Ohki came in and said, "miya miya miya," but I'm pretty sure that means, "Tenchi, she did this because of you." "Because she saw me proposing to Aeka." "YOU WHAT!!!!!" Washu shouted. : You can't marry Ayeka! She's evil! She's the devil! She kicks puppies, and makes babies cry! And please, feel free to have a seat while I demonize Ayeka some more. "No, the proposal was meant for Ryoko not Aeka." "Thank god I was gonna kill you if you married that little priss!" : Of course, since everyone in the house hates Ayeka. It's so obvious. "I...I love you daughter...I want her as my wife." "Tenchi it warms my heart to hear that, now Ryoko can finally be happy." : No, wait, that's heartburn. Never mind. "Is she going to be ok?" : NO. : HA! I LOVE it! "Only time will tell, she is in a coma right now and it could be days, weeks, months, or even years before she will come out of it." : Right...even though she can heal herself, and even though Washu can damn near bring people back from the dead. : But, hey, the author told us he was going to throw logic out the window, so it's okay. : Yeah, there's nothing worse than when a fic is stupid and the author doesn't even tell you that he's doing it on purpose. : YES. Tenchi sighed and stood up. "Well Tenchi lets go get something to eat maybe that will clear you mind." : Well, okay...hey, wait, you're not going to feed me that food that brainwashed people again, are you? : What? No, of course not! That's not what I meant by 'clear your mind.' "You can go but I want to stay here with Ryoko." "Ok Tenchi but you call me if you need anything." Washu patted Tenchi on the back, bowed and exited, Tenchi then turned and went to the surgical table where Ryoko had been placed. Tenchi looked over her body and then to the place to where she had stabbed herself. An ugly scar was all that remained of the wound, something that seemed out of place on such a beautiful creature. "Ryoko why did you do this....why didn't I propose to you earlier?" : Because you're a total wuss. : Yep. : Definitely. : YES. Tears flowed from his eyes and he laid his hand upon Ryoko's. "Ryoko please pull through...I can't live without you." Tenchi sat there praying to anyone who would listen and stayed by Ryoko's side all of that night : Tenchi's prayers are sent to God by wireless, but are intercepted by Kaiser Wilhelm! : HA HA! With this information, my German troops on the front will finally be able to push ahead and possibly advance an astounding 100 feet! : And what's the moral? That trench warfare just doesn't work. into early morning when Washu had came to check on Ryoko she saw Tenchi there holding Ryoko's hand. She could tell he was extremely tired and fatigued. "Tenchi why don't you go get some sleep and i'll take care of Ryoko?" "No, I am ok?" : Why the hell are you asking me? You should know if you're okay or not. Washu gave him a little look. "Really I am fine I just want to stay with her...please?" "ok but if you get tired there is a bed over there" "Thank you Washu." Washu left to attend to her daily work. "Please Ryoko just make it......" : Is this going anywhere? Is there any point to these scenes? : NO. : It goes nowhere, does nothing. A hideous spiral of bad dialogue and idiotic writing. : And I suppose you have a solution for us? : As a matter of fact...I DO! : And? : And what? : What the hell is your solution? : Oh, yeah. I just kind of made that up. Sorry. I don't really have a solution. But give me a minute, and I'll think of something. : Wonderful. Weeks passed by and Tenchi stayed by Ryoko's side, he hadn't left out of the lab in 3 weeks and he was exhausted but he endured the pain for Ryoko. : Christ! This fic is all waiting around and pining! You'd better come up with something quick. : I'm working on it...just keep making fun of the fic for now. I'll let you know if I come up with anything. She had always been there for him, anytime he had been in trouble or captured : When Tenchi was captured by Black's Bishop, who was it that did the Pawn Promotion to get him back? Ryoko! she came to his aid but now in her hour of need he was helpless. "why....why....why did I let this happen to you...why must I always leT SOMEONE DOWN!!!" : YEAH! That's it! Keep pouring on the emotion! : But don't you think this is all a little cheesy? A little too melodramatic? : NO! We need MORE! MORE, DAMMIT, MORE! "No more, I love you Ryoko." As Tenchi gazed upon Ryoko's face he leaned forward and kissed the lifeless body of Ryoko even though he expected no return. : For, once you have kissed the lifeless body of Ryoko, THERE CAN BE NO RETURN! : No one escapes the lifeless kiss of Ryoko! Tenchi's eyes widened as he felt Ryoko's tongue move inside his mouth. Tenchi released from the kiss and looked to see Ryoko looking at him with tears in her eyes. : With tears in her eyes? Is her cornea becoming detached? : Um...actually, I think it's tears, as in water from the eyes, not tears, as in rips in the eye. : Yeah, thanks, I couldn't tell. : Right. Sure you couldn't. "Ryoko, your awake!" "Tenchi...you love me?" "Yes, Ryoko I love you with all of heart and soul." : Loden, do you really have anything that will make this GO SOMEWHERE?!? Because I can't take much more of this stupid, pointless dialogue. It's causing me to become hate filled. : Um...no, sorry. I'm all out of ideas. : You're kidding. : Nope. Sorry. : You've got NOTHING?!? : Well, I do have a few ideas, but they all involve either sex or fire. : Screw that, then. I guess we'll just have to wait until the lemon scenes kick in. : Yeah...you folks at home have no idea how hard it is to come up with snappy jokes to dialogue like this. "Then why did you propose to Aeka?" Ryoko said with new tears flowing from her eyes. "The proposal was meant for you, not Aeka." "You....you mean you want me to be your wife?" Ryoko said with hope in her voice. : NO!! : Let's see...proposal meant for you...nope, that doesn't mean he wants to marry you. : Yeah...SARCASM!! : YES. "Yes more that anything I can't live without you." : Washu injected me with a drug that kills me if I ever get more than 50 feet away from you. : I'm addicted to you baby! Yeah! Ryoko reached up behind Tenchi's neck and pulled his head to hers and they embraced in a long, passionate kiss. When they broke from the kiss knealt down and produced a small ring from his pocket. : Tenchi, dear...that's an onion ring. "Ryoko...I love you...and I will always love you." "Will you marry me." : With an onion ring as an engagement ring? No way. Piss off. Ryoko tried to speak but could only kiss Tenchi as a response. Tenchi took Ryoko's hand and slid the ring on her slender finger. Ryoko looked into Tenchi's eyes......his warm gentle eyes just staring back at her with a look only two people in love could have for each other. Ryoko leaned forward and pressed her soft lips against Tenchi's and slid her tongue into his mouth as he did in turn. : gmph...pfffffph......greefely logph gyou. : mmfph......gyh logph gyou ooo. She pushed Tenchi onto his back pushing up his shirt to reveal his muscular chest : Yeah, right. "Muscular." : ARRGH!! THIS IS GOING NOWHERE! IT'S LIKE WATCHING AN EPISODE OF DRAGONBALL Z!! : ...?!? : Woah, Urania, stay calm. I know it's stupid. I know the plot moves at a snail's pace, and in a circle. But we're almost halfway through. You can make it. : Okay...yeah...you're right. It's just a stupid lemon, anyway. I can take it. : Glad to hear it. which she rubbed and placed little kisses going down his body. Then Ryoko came to the rim of his pants where a buldge in his pants was already forming. : Unbeknownst to most historians, the Battle of the Bulge was actually fought in Tenchi's pants. : The fighting was fierce, but Ryoko somehow managed to hold against Tenchi's thrust! She grabbed the rim of his pants and slid them down to reveal that he wore no boxers. Ryoko looked up with a little surprise. "Uhh...dad told me that women like that." : Tenchi, I hate to break it to you, but there's no way in hell that your dad would know what women like. "Well he's got the right idea "easy access" : ...easy access. Easy Access? That's stupid. VERY stupid. In fact, it's a lot like the rest of the fic...it's all SO...INCREDIBLY...STUPID... : Uh oh. I think it's time to take a break. What do you guys think? : Yeah. : Do it. : Quickly. : YES YES YES. : Okay! Break time! To the lounge, everybody! Urania? Come on, break time. : Break time? Break time. Good. Very good. ------------------------ : I'm okay, thanks. The hot chocolate really helped. :